Bored To Death

So annoying. I’m really getting tired of humanity in general.

Its always the same thing, a do-gooder with too much time on their hands comes up with a law, it gets passed somehow into the books. Then I come along and being a free spirit with not much else to do, I eventually run afoul of these stringent rules and get thrown in jail, or the stocks, or some hole in the ground.

It happened to me in England, where I got on the wrong side of a local magistrate and had the full royal treatment, imprisoned in the Tower of London. Not just any cell, mind you, but one of the special VIP rooms. Deep in the inner ward, large hewn blocks of stone and a bit of grass was all I could see, when I pulled myself up to the bars.

I could’ve been dramatic about the escape, but after running a gauntlet of swords and other nasty things, I’d be torn to ribbons and in a lot of pain. Yes, being immortal doesn’t mean that I don’t have nerve endings. I also don’t heal any faster than a regular person, so being shredded by sharp metal objects wasn’t my first choice.

I chose a more leisurely way out, managed to get to one of the storerooms after giving the guard the slip, and hid myself in a large chest that I overheard was being shipped out. It was part of the annual tribute from the well-to-do to the king, so I just dumped out some of the coins and jewels, kept a few choice bits for myself, and hid inside.

It got a bit dicey when they opened it of course, only having a thin layer of coins and such over me, thankfully they missed stabbing me with a sword they used to check for any live cargo. Crafty bastards.

I can’t always do the sneaky thing. Sometimes I’m just in a hurry and I need to get the hell out of there.

Happened at Alcatraz, I just knocked out a guard and kept on running as they were shooting at me. Had a bit of luck when the guy who worked the mechanical locking mechanisms for the doors was visibly stunned to see me take a bullet and keep going, rather than actually press any buttons to sew the place up. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have ever made it out of there.

I just kept on going, bullets whizzing around me and some going through me – stinging like hell – until I got to the rocky cliffs and dove into the water. The cross currents are pretty bad, and if I hadn’t swam down to the bottom to claw my way across the silt-rich bay, I doubt I would’ve made it to shore. More likely swept out to sea, where I’d have to wait like a human buoy and latch on to a passing ship, or a friendly marine creature.

Very rarely do I have to actually wait out my captors.

Happened in a small desert village, was thrown into a deep hole, I think it used to be a well until it dried up – and sat there until I couldn’t hear anyone topside anymore. That took a few decades. I actually lost track of time, doodling on the cave wall with some burnt twigs someone had thrown down on me, possibly to finish the job, but it didn’t do anything except burn my hair off.

That was the worst one, because I became a bit of a celebrity with the younger kids. They’d whisper their wishes down the old well hole, and I would try to whisper back encouraging things or just crazy riddle-like answers. I had lovers ask for my blessing to be married, and old men confessing their souls out to me. It got rather lonely when they didn’t come by anymore. Never did I feel so isolated – other than being immortal I mean – until that happened to me.

So look, you know my story, so I really just want you to incinerate me this time, okay? Catastrophic damage will undo what my innate nature seems to ignore, so lets just get on with it.

I’m done with this living forever crap.